Log in

No account? Create an account
rian's Journal [entries|friends|calendar]

[ website | im scared you might not be here in the morning. ]
these knuckles break before they bleed
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[19 May 2009|03:02pm]
I am so goddamn tired of living this way.



Funny how things work out. [18 May 2008|02:24pm]
I received an email today....  

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed on Thursday,
November 29, 2007, and sent via
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear FutureMe,

Remember all those times Carrie made you happy?
She was your first love. Don't ever forget how much she meant to you
and how you would give up anything and everything for her. Also remember
that this pain will leave you soon enough. This is how it has to be
right now. Down deep inside her heart, she still loves you. And you will
move on and find someone new or maybe she'll come back around. Don't
fret. but dont forget. I love you Matthew. Be strong. You're growing up
and I trust that you are making moves that will put you where you want to
be. Don't give up. You are well on your way.

Family and friends; one of them is always there.

BABY GOT THAT SMOOTH SKIN [06 Mar 2008|02:24am]
She is lush. Beautiful in every single way. I notice how her skin feels like porcelain.
So warm and exciting to the touch. Being right beside her.The feel of it calms my every worry.
 She is lovely. So so lovely.
3 [speak]

Old Poetry [06 Mar 2008|01:33am]

Pumpkin      10/29/2006

Dear Matthew,
    It's never too late to come back.
To go for what you want.
You gave up trying because things didn't go your way.
If you want a life with her in it, you have to go for it.
Letting yourself think it won't work out, won't work out.
You'll never be happy if you let this opportunity pass without
telling her exactly how you feel. You've given up so much trying to make it work.
And now you've gone and put her on the back burner like she was some
prized possession that could never be taken away. But it brought you to tears
in an instant when you thought you lost her. You spend your days , wondering what
she is doing at that exact moment.  You know that she is your life. She makes those ugly and
awkward things of life beautiful. She makes the days worth waking up.She believes in everything
you do. She also trusts that one day, you will ask her to make this a permanent thing.
She could care less how much money you make as long as she can wake up next to you every day
for the rest of her life. You feel the same way. She loves who you are physically, mentally and emotionally.
She loves that guy who promised her the world. The one who broke her once.
It secretly broke his heart. That same guy who says, " I love you, Pumpkin", every night before he falls asleep.
YOU.  Don't ever forget what she's done for you. She loves you more than you will ever know.


Her name was a Canvas.
She explained her name the first time I met her.
According to her, her father was the famous Scottish painter, Andre Noel Mullen.
His work was based on the known leaders of the world, depicted as decaying skyscrapers.
So when Canvas was born, he had the thought that by giving her that name he
could "paint" all of life's lessons. And one day, people would sit and admire all
of the beauty of life in her.

Beggars Can't be Choosers

Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Should've known she'd fuck you up.
The way she smiled at you, you never saw it coming.
Slipping through your hands, why didn't you hit the ground running?

Tour De Force    09/07/2006

Everyday a child dies in a mother's arms.
Everyday a mother dies in a child's arms.
Our time here is decaying while we kiss under sunsets.
We burn our natural resources while kids die of hunger,
Diseases claim our loved ones every day.
Start living like you die at midnight, tonight.
Stand up against the false idols this world has built around us.
These monuments don't bear a heartbeat.
And one day, neither will you.


It's not not what it seems [02 Dec 2007|05:21am]
To all the parents with sleepless nights,
Sleepless nights.
Tie your kids home to their beds,
Clean their heads.


[22 Sep 2006|10:26pm]
I am sitting at home on a Friday night
with nothing to do.
I feel lonely.

[22 Aug 2006|03:37pm]
Carrie Ann. You are amazing. I love you.

[24 Apr 2006|11:23pm]
today was a day just like any other.

[19 Apr 2006|09:02am]
i am at work right now.

for all that are sad,

cheer up, matt whitley loves you.
1 [speak]

[04 Apr 2006|08:41am]
She's got her halo and wings
Hidden under his eyes
But she's an angel for sure
She just can't stop telling lies
But it's too late for his love
Already caught in a trap
His angel's kiss was a joke
And she is not coming back

Because heaven sends and heaven takes
Crashing cars in his brain
Keep him tied up to a dream
And only she can set him free
And then he says to me

Kill me now, Kill me now, Kill me now, Kill me now,
Kill me now, Kill me now, Kill me now, Kill me now,

Yeah she's got a criminal mind
He's got a reason to pray
His life is under the gun
He's got to hold every day

Now he just wants to wake up
Yeah, just to prove it's a dream
Cause she's an angel for sure
But that remains to be seen

Because heaven sends and heaven takes
Crashing cars in his brain
Keep him tied up to a dream
And only she can set him free
And then he says to me

Kill me now, Kill me now, Kill me now, Kill me now,
Kill me now, Kill me now, Kill me now, Kill me now,

Stupid on the streets of London
James Dean in the rain
Without her it's not the same
The same, the same, but it's alright

Because heaven sends and heaven takes
Crashing cars in his brain
Keep him tied up to a dream
And only she can set him free
And then he says to me

Kill me now, Kill me now, Kill me now, Kill me now,
Kill me now, Kill me now, Kill me now, Kill me now,

Again and again

[02 Apr 2006|07:19am]
here i sit at 7:19 in the morning on sunday april 2nd,2006. I am at my friend kelly's house in charlotte. i have stayed up all night hanging with friends mostly but after everyone retired to bed i sat up and finished watching a movie and did some thinking. i quit my job today but i have another job. i sat awake in a recliner and watched the sun rise above the trees outside. i can hear the morning birds chirping, signifying the start of a new day. i don't really know where my life is going but i have a stong sense that tells me that it is headed in the right direction. i just want a relationship that means something on both parts.

"a pain stabbed my heart as it did every time I saw a girl I loved who was going the opposite direction in this too-big world”

jack kerouac
2 [speak]

[12 Feb 2006|07:15pm]
two months have passed.

things have changed. hearts were broken. so were bones. but i am happy.
i have been writing a lot lately. i am just glad that i overcame a terrible case of writer's block.

i need
just another breath of this air from as far out as the atmospheres of jupiter.
a taste of this elequent wine and handshakes over steak dinners.
you're speaking so softly now that it puts me to sleep.
don't lie. don't lie. don't lie to yourself anymore.

[11 Dec 2005|09:57pm]

i am so sick of it.

[26 Nov 2005|04:20pm]
i've never been more happy but yet so ready to die.

i just wish to be taken out on top.

this has transformed into something much like the war... slowly losing all these friends, that i have been through so much with, for reasons that they do not understand.

[03 Nov 2005|11:32pm]
[ mood | high ]

"Dying In New Brunswick"

You told me on your birthday all the things that this place had done to you.
And in the streets you walk.
You hide your face because they don't believe that it's true.
They say it doesn't happen that often.
But it's happening right now.

I'm writing you this letter to let you know I'm not alright.
And in this city the streets are paved with hate
And you cry yourself to sleep tonight.
And say "no, there aren't enough love songs in the sky."
You counted down the days till you could say "Bye-bye, city, bye-bye"
You're walking down on Union
You see the roads and know they're apart of you.

They say it doesn't happen that often
But it's happening right now.

I'm writing you a second time.
To let you know nothing here has changed.
The streets are still paved with hate.
So you can cry yourself to sleep tonight.

Will you look back on this night
As the day that ruined your life.
Will you look back on these city streets and say,
"Oh, God, where are you?"
In these city streets I hide my face.
I turn away when you look at me
And every night when I try and sleep.
I feel your hands all over my body.

You stripped away the street signs and shot out all the stop lights.
If you smashed away all the building what would you have left?

my tribute to that place where i learned who i'm not but i will always be.


[01 Nov 2005|02:07pm]
suck it.

the phrase heard most around my friends.
2 [speak]

the takeback is so modern class. [24 Oct 2005|01:18am]
kill kill the silence with a bang bang.
strike up a conversation dear.
shut off your action to the point of intelligence.
act out a soap opera kill kill kill killing scene.

shake up your alibi.
tell me those pretty lies.
but dont you dare spit your compliments at these blue eyes.

wake wake to silence with a heart in your hand.
give up on this conversation.
act as if nothing is bothering you.
and fall back asleep until your in these arms again.

this girl is so pretty. [12 Oct 2005|03:34pm]

just thought i would share that.

[11 Oct 2005|12:16am]
the bright lights.the intoxication.the birthday.the true friends.

if it gets better then October 7th,8th,9th. it just isnt real.

corey's last name stands for tummy ache.
stacy has purple hair.
nicole owes me something for my birthday.
kevin carries a felony in his pocket.
1 [speak]

[04 Oct 2005|05:56am]
i cant trust a single goddamn person.

i hope every fucking one of you gets hurt emotionally.

so i guess what it comes down to is i have no friends. at least not in gastonia.and i bet not a single one of you see it from my perspective. its a goddamn opinion and yes i can share it with whomever.i bet not one of you sat back and thought about how i must feel and how much this hurts to know that no one that i call "friends" can stop and attempt to see it the way i do. so as far as im concerned, im done with all of you.
2 [speak]

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]